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Possible Induction

January 12, 2012

Induction…that’s the newest word my friends.  The news today was bad.  My midwife appointment left me in shock.  What I thought was a fluke set of symptoms last week, actually turned out to be something after-all.  Something that my midwives aren’t messing around with. While I completely understand the concern and appreciate their care, I’m so so so sad about what it means for my pregnancy and birth.

Earlier this week I wrote about my desire to have a “healing birth” to recover from the lack of confidence my last birth gave me.  I already feel like a failure for being unable to go to term with Alexa, and now it’s happening again.  My test results are bad enough that I’ll be put on modified bed-rest and most likely be induced at [no later than] 38 weeks and possibly [as soon as] 36.  That means, that unless my body decides to start up early, I’ll be “forced” to do it the unnatural way with synthetic hormones and a likely long hospital stay if things don’t progress quickly.

Until then, I’ll have more and more tests ran, more and more monitoring, more and more appointments.  More time thinking about how my body just rejects pregnancy.  More and more thinking that maybe I was right when I insisted as a teenager that I wasn’t made for babies.  More and more depressing thoughts of being a failure as a mother before the child is even born.

I KNOW, I KNOW, I’m crazy and irrational and an other-thinker!  I’m sure everything will be fine in the end, that like Alexa…this baby will end up healthy and happy and well cared for.  That said, I’m not sure the same can be said of me.  I’m losing my ability to think positively and that terrifies me when it comes to PPD issues.  Hell, the depression that will most likely set in after having to be on bed-rest for the next 4-6 weeks will be enough to deal with on its own.

I’m not going to lie here.  I’m seriously torn up about all this. Can I just refuse to cooperate?  Can I say NO, I will not let you pump me full of drugs just because you’re too worried that I might suffer (or possibly that your malpractice insurance might)?  I think I need a good long talk with my Doulas before I go off the deep end, but I’m scared guys!

10 Comments leave one →
  1. Michela permalink
    January 13, 2012 12:00 am

    Awe Amber, this breaks my heart. You are a great mommy, despite what your body thinks, you are a fighter. Although you feel so much lack of control right now, it’s quite the opposite, because you are doing everything in your power to make sure you have the absolute best outcome for you baby. I hope you know I’m here for you, vent away. I know it’s crazy hard to stay positive and that it if virtually impossible to be optimistic all the time, but you are very strong, I have faith in you. You will get through this, and it will all have been amazingly worth it in the end when you’re beautiful new daughter makes her arrival 🙂 Lots and lots of positive, stress busting vibes your way!

    • January 13, 2012 10:55 am

      Thanks Michela, I’m just so disappointed. I mean, I know I can still have the same basic experience, but it sucks to find out that my body is so negatively effected. I’m trying to just keep myself busy so I don’t think too much about it.

  2. January 13, 2012 12:44 am

    Oh no Amber… that is so so sad that you won’t be able to have your healing birth as plannned! I don’t think you are crazy at all…it’s how you feel!! It must be so difficult to come to terms with it all after Alexa’s birth! I hope you find some peace of mind with this new birth plan… I’m sure it will be all ok and you will have a happy health little one… 🙂

    • January 13, 2012 10:56 am

      Thanks Lx! I know it’s possible to still have a similar birth experience, I just wanted to be able to do most of the laboring at home rather than strapped to a bed. I really do need to talk to my doulas to find out what their experiences were with similar situations. They’ll also be the ones helping me come up with a rational birth plan 🙂

  3. January 13, 2012 8:28 am

    You are a fantastic mom! Don’t listen to those thoughts that you weren’t made for babies. You have done a wonderful job with Alexa, and you will be so great with your next little lady. Growing babies is the hardest thing you will EVER do, and it rarely goes perfectly.

    Neither of mine were high risk or problematic, and both were induced. I still get mad if I think about it too much. I’m sorry you’re not going to get the birth plan that you hoped for.

    I hope that the end result is that you are both healthy and happy, even if the way of getting there went off course.

    • January 13, 2012 11:06 am

      Thanks Allison! It’s just weird for me since I never wanted kids when I was younger, then I finally go for it and things keep going wrong. I don’t really believe in anything being “meant to be” or vice versa, but yeah…

      I didn’t realize you were induced for both. I knew about J, but not A. Why? If you don’t mind me asking. And how far along were you?

      • January 13, 2012 11:50 pm

        WIth Julian, it was because I was a week late. With Audrey, I started contractions and went to the hospital, but didn’t progress as fast as they liked, even though there was nothing technically wrong, except that they didn’t see a person, they saw dollar signs. They like to crank out babies like it’s an effing assembly line, instead of letting them just come when they’re ready. I was strapped to monitors and hooked up to IVs, and had to ask permission just to get up and pee, and they were annoyed with me because of it. I hated my hospital experience with Audrey. All my nurses were 23-year-old hillbillies with poor grammar, and were full of advice like, “Don’t you go and lay-et (let) that bay-bee use you as a pass-uh-fahhr (pacifier). She don’t need to do that.”

        Also, none of the nurses had any idea what gluten even was, and if it was in any of the medications they were trying to make me take. I refused all pain meds because I didn’t know if they were GF, and because I didn’t want it to pass through my milk. They talked to me like I was an idiot, yet they were medical professionals who had never heard of gluten.

        If I had to do it again, I’d get a midwife instead, rent a birthing tub, and have a baby at home, even though it is illegal in the state of NC to do so.

  4. January 13, 2012 11:31 am

    Ugh. I feel ya. I had a terrible birth experience with my first and was determined to deliver #2 naturally. She had cord issues and I wound up with another damn emergency c section. I was pretty devastated, but I’ve honestly come to terms with both… however there will never be a third!

    I’m always just a tweet away!!

  5. January 13, 2012 11:53 am

    Oh, mama. I can relate to how much you want to have a traditional birth after your last one- every woman deserves a positive birth experience. The outcome is what matters, though, and what is most important. You are an AMAZING mom and you have a dynamic, lovely daughter that YOUR BODY made! You made that awesomeness! So no more nonsense about your body not being built for making kids, bc look at you! You are incredibly lucky and blessed (and you know I’m not religious, but it’s true.). Stay healthy so you can keep on being a fabulous mom- that’s what your little ones would want. Xoxo

  6. January 14, 2012 1:06 pm

    You are NOT irrational or crazy. You are a thoughtful, caring person having a very real, very stressful experience! And you CAN refuse to cooperate with your medical team, if that’s what you truly want to do. This can cause its own problems, of course.

    About “healing birth” you say, “We’re trying with all our might to make this birth experience a positive and empowering one.” I don’t think that’s impossible, even now. We often have a very narrow definition of a “positive birth experience.” As though the birth tub and the grandmotherly midwife and the herbal tinctures are what make the experience a good one. In fact, the mother’s attitude can make all the difference.

    As you know, I had a drug-free home birth, complete with birth pool. And it was awful. It was SO far from peaceful or empowering, I can’t even tell you! Because I wasn’t peaceful. I was tense and afraid and in a kind of pain I was NOT prepared for—and the experience was actually very DISempowering. There’s no way of knowing this, of course, but perhaps I would have had a more positive experience if I’d been in the hospital. I might’ve felt MORE empowered and in control with some sort of pain-relieving intervention.

    My point is not to say one kind of birth is better than another. I believe you can still have a beautiful birth, even if it involves lots of intervention that you originally wanted to avoid. Even if it involves another C-section! It’s OK to be disappointed. It’s MORE than OK. However—and this is difficult to do—don’t get so lost in mourning your ideal, dream experience that you miss all that THIS experience has to offer you. There IS some good in it.

    Finally, how your body “does” pregnancy and how you give birth DO NOT reflect on you as a person or as a mother. You are not broken or defective, and you’re certainly not a bad parent! Just look at your happy, gorgeous little daughter for proof of that!

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